The Mother-Daughter Relationship
I recently gave a talk to a local group of mothers about their relationships with their adolescent daughters. When do we spend time in quiet contemplation about our relationships with our own mothers and our relationships with our daughters? Rarely!! Here is your opportunity ❤️.
There is a cultural narrative that mother-daughter relationships are fraught with conflict and stress—it does not have to be so. Generally, daughters long to be close to their daughters. There is a rupture and repair cycle—fight, slam door, then communicate and learn about what happened. Don’t forget to repair!
Below is a guided visualization to help you think back to the time that you were a teen. This is an exercise that invites some memories of adolescence. You may read this out loud and reflect, to yourself, have someone read it to you as you think back, or use this as a guided journaling exercise.
We all have varied experiences with that time in our lives—some may have good, some may remember difficult times. Some of us may be survivors of various hardships and traumas. Please take care of yourself and go at your own pace. We will not stay there long—and will now move towards considering your relationship with your own mother or mother-figure…and then finally considering your relationship with your daughter.
Take a deep breath and relax into your chair. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable.
Think back to yourself at the age that your daughter currently is. If you have more than one teen daughter, think to the age of the daughter with whom you have more conflict.
What did you look like? What clothes did you wear? How did you feel about your appearance?
What did you do for fun?
What was it like for you at that time in your life? How was your family life?
What was your relationship with your mother like at that time?
What did your mother do that made you feel loved?
Could you talk to your mother?
In what ways did your mother criticize you? What were the sources of conflict between you? Have those resolved over time?
Now, bring your attention to your daughter or daughters. Remind yourself of how you felt when you found out you were having a daughter or gave birth and discovered you had a daughter. Breathe some love into that memory. If it is a hard memory for some reason (pregnancy difficulties, birthing difficulties, post-partum depression, fear of becoming a mother or a complicated response to meeting your little girl), forgive yourself for holding on to that pain for so long. Time to let that go.
Think about the qualities that you see and love about your daughter. Think about who she was as a little girl that just delighted you. Think about the last time you truly shared with her your complete love and adoration of her--without an agenda, judgment, anxiety, criticism, or rejection. Think about the last time you looked into her eyes and just oozed unconditional love upon her.
Do you make an effort to acknowledge her growing independence and take an interest in it? For example, do you ever watch her favorite show, listen to a new song on the radio that she likes, get to know her friends, invite her love interest over for dinner?
Do you ever tuck her in at night? A snuggle or affection before bed? Would you like to and assume that she doesn’t want you to?
Do you share with her how you felt about becoming a young woman? Mistakes you’ve made? Lessons you learned? Exciting moments?
Do you see your daughter clearly for the young lady that she is becoming? Do you like what you see about her personality, character, and appearance? Is it easy or difficult to accept her for who she is?
Do you feel close to your daughter? Do you want to feel closer to her? What could you change about your parenting style that might facilitate a closer relationship with her?
Do you carry wounds from your own childhood that affect your parenting? How can you heal and support yourself in this area?
Finally, I want you to visualize what you’d like to feel in your relationship with your daughter? I want you to picture whatever that dream looks like for you and your girl.
Now, open your eyes---after all that contemplation, I’d like you to write down one mothering intention for your relationship with your daughter. Intentions are direct conscious reflections about desires, actions, and relationships that you wish to manifest. We cannot change their behavior, but you are in charge of your own behavior—what is one thing that you’d like to set as a goal for yourself in this area?